I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
