is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
