: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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