I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
