Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
