I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
