The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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