My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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