is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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