I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
