im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
