We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
