I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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