In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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