If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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