Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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