maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
