i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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