Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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