new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
