someone threw a dead crab at me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.