I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.