Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
