The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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