Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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