Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Vodka?
Forever.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
