happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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