i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
