He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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