The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
