consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
