you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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