Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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