I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
