Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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