im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
zippers are such a cool invention
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
