Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
