dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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