Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
