You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
