if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
