I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
