My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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