I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
