Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
