everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
