Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
