Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
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just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
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So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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