So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
