Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
