Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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