There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
