come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
