your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
