WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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