I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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