Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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