I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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