Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
